Day 3 of Writing 101: Am I Selfish?

My mother tells me as a kid I was never upset when I had to be away from home (e.g visiting aunts with Grandpa). I was content wherever I was, never asking after my mother or little brother. Mother says I am selfish. I don’t know if that’s the right word to describe me, but I do have an ability to think I’m home wherever I am staying. How I did it when I was young I do not know, but now that I am older I do it by choice. If you’re cursed to live away from your family, you better do it with a smile on your face. There isn’t much to look forward to in Life otherwise.

The largest chunk of time that I have been away from home was during the four years of college. I visited occasionally, yes. But I never felt home at home anymore. I felt like a guest in my own house, one who comes to visit but leaves eventually. I hated this feeling. I hated that I had to leave the peace of our tiny home to live with people who did not care two hoots for my feelings and emotions. But I had no choice. I had to complete my degree. I don’t know if selfish is the right word to describe me, but I did miss home. Badly.

Even now that I am home, feeling at home typing into my laptop sitting on my favourite red stool (how the word came to mean such different things, I wonder!), I miss home already. This day, next month I will be in a different city, on the second day of my new job and my parents would be in a train back home after dropping me off in that unfamiliar jungle of unfamiliar faces. Maybe you’ll call me a baby for being so clingy. Anyone beyond twenty is supposed to be grown up; after all eighteen is when we are all adults. But indeed, age is just a number. In my mind I am still the teenager post-high school, taking a bus with my father to a new city to start college. Even after having lived with strangers for four years and becoming “friends” with them, I am not ready to face the unknown. Uncertainty makes me nervous. I cringe inside, because I know that I have no control. No choice either. In all honesty, I am even less prepared to leave now than I was four years ago when I started college, because I know now what I can expect. I know that no matter how kind people seem, it might all be a facade, a mask. I have never been too good with people, or relationships for that matter.

The hardest thing about goodbye is all the things you didn’t say.

That’s a quote from a friend’s Whatsapp status. The biggest regret of my life is that even though I have lived so many years with my parents under the same roof, I know so little of them. I know so little of their aspirations, their dreams and their desires. As long as I have known my mother (whom I am closer to than my father), I have known her as a mother only. Until very recently, I could not see past her motherhood for the woman that she is. And now that I have started to see, it is almost time for me to leave. I fear I will never have the time to know my parents as well as I wish to. It is sad that only few years back, I did not even care enough to know my parents. Now, the word selfish does make some sense.

There is nothing like your parents’ love. There is no treasure greater than your own family. To value these is the secret to real happiness. It sure took me time to realize it, but I will still have time to make amends, won’t I?

The clock is ticking!

Indeed, the clock is ticking. In about three hours, my ebook, Bound by Life will be available for free on Amazon! Do you use Kindle? If you do, don’t forget to download your copy of Bound by Life. I am eager to hear your thoughts on it.

Update:Β Bound by LifeΒ is now available for FREE on Kindle! Be sure to download your copy!


40 thoughts on “Day 3 of Writing 101: Am I Selfish?

  1. Anand

    Selfish? I have another definition of selfish that I think is a lot better than yours. A selfish person is someone who hurts others for his/her benefit. You never did that. You aren’t selfish. Period.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Arpita Post author

        Who? The kids? I think you mean they’re happy because they’re still too selfish to think about whether they’re hurting others by wanting what they want? Is that it?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. shinepositivepower

    I think as a child, it us natural to think only of yourself and be happy where you are specially if you know that your parents are all right. I can say I always thought of my family especially my mother even when I was a child, maybe because I saw hardships and as the eldest I am compelled to help my family. They are the center of my universe, they will still be part of my universe but I have to change focus as I have my own family now. I think as you grow old, you are becoming more mature, you realizes that your family had done so much for you and that you are blessed. Parents, responsible and good parents in my opinion are happy just to know that their children have a good life and happy. If you live your life to the fullest, your parents will never think you are selfish, they know you love them and yes, you can still make up to them if it will make you happy πŸ™‚ Congratulations on your book , I’ll download them soon and read and will tell you what I think about it. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Arpita Post author

      Thank you for your kind words. Actually, both my grandparents were bed-ridden before their death and those were trying times for us as a family. But I was too young then to understand my parents’ troubles. As a teenager I was perpetually angry at my parents for some thing or the other. But now that I have some actual conversation about the first years of my parents’ marriage and our childhood, I can realize how tough it was for them. It helped me understand other facets of my parents as well. But there are still avenues to explore and I am only gradually acquiring the maturity to face those. Sadly, I have to leave soon.

      Thank you for the book wishes. The free promotion is LIVE now so if you want you can download your copy right away by clicking on the link:

      Liked by 1 person

      1. shinepositivepower

        Yes, you are too young then, they understand πŸ™‚ I also just talked to my mother about her life when I was 21 although I always think about our life and help her, she had other priorities like earning for us to get by. We now have a much more close relationship, she is my bestfriend (aside from my husband) πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. shinepositivepower

        It is harder to have more time since I believe you are working far from home. Right? But if you do find time, just being there when you can and spend quality time with them or constantly communicating with them will definitely make them happy πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Annie

    Nice way to use all the words! I like it.

    I don’t think you’re selfish. I think you’re just comfortable with yourself. I agree with Shine though, as and when you have the chance, spend some time with them. You don’t know how long you have to build these memories. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Marquessa

    “I fear I will never have the time to know my parents as well as I wish to” … I fortunately know my parents for the “people” they are because we sit around and they tell old stories from their childhood. That could be an idea for a few blog posts! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Day 5 of Writing 101: Home Sweet Home | Scribbles@Arpita

  6. Pingback: Day 16 of Writing 101: How important is Scribbles@Arpita for me? | Scribbles@Arpita

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