I have been in some difficult situations in the past few days. Today morning, I found my Googling ‘How to deal with fear?’
In retrospect, I realized I have been afraid all my life. Of course, like most things, the phobia has its origins in my childhood. My father was (and is) a strict parent. Suppose, my brother and I were playing and we accidentally broke anything, I kept worrying through the day how father would admonish when he came to learnt about it.
In school, I have always been the model student, trying hard not to break any rules. I was only once punished by my fifth grade English teacher for not doing the homework. Years of abiding by rules has created this image of me: I am seen as a ‘good’ girl, and even after I finished school, I found that was the image I was constantly trying to fit in. I wouldn’t get into arguments with anyone except my immediate family. That is not to say I do not feel angry when someone says or does something bad to me, but when the bad thing happens, I would avoid it but saying to the perpetrator on the face. Afterwards, I will be feeling bad and fuming inside, trying to confide in the people who care about my side of the story. In every bad situation, I have an inherent trait to feel like a victim.
I am not saying arguments are good. In fact, as Dale Carnegie said, “You can’t win an argument.” I do believe it is true. But then again, not saying my side of the story to the person who drags me through mud makes me feel extremely bad about myself – like I can not protect myself. It makes me feel vulnerable. Because I am not used to being in arguments, I would stop short of saying anything even when I know I am more right than the other person, because I am scared that the other person will bring up some logic that I will not be able to refute (people do crazy things when they are in arguments, they lie and manipulate and you can never argue with a liar and a manipulator without yourself being one). I am not very imaginative (which is why most of my stories are reflections of my own life), and that is also why I am not a good liar. At the same time, when I stay silent, I feel disgusted when I imagine the other person is thinking me weak, because I said nothing. When you trash someone and that person does not revert, don’t you feel you have the upper hand in the situation?
But as I see more and more of the world, I feel that whatever I was taught in school is failing miserably in the school of life. When you are small, you believe there is justice. But the more I see of this world, I realize, justice is a concept and not a practice. And so, my fear of humiliating myself continues, because every time a bad thing happens, my first instinct is, “I can’t handle this.” I think I fear humiliation more than I fear Death. In other words, I fear people (and what they might do) more than I fear isolation.
What are you afraid of? Do you think we can ever get rid of every fear that we have and be strong? How do you handle your fears? What tips do you have for me? Share your thoughts in the comments below.