There are times in our lives when we are at a certain juncture. In these moments, you need to take a hard, long look at your life and make certain changes.
For a large part of 2017, I was depressed. For me, depression manifests in two forms:
- Self-loathing, crying at the sad state of life and starting to believe that nothing better will happen again
- Being unable to sustain happiness for a long time, frequent mood swings through the day
2018 is an important year in my life. I have been out of college for the last three years. I have been working in my first job for close to 2.5 years. There has been a lot of learning. To be honest, I am a much confident woman today than I was 2.5 years back. But this confidence has come at the cost of desensitization. I am a lot more confident today because I care a lot less. I also understand that most things in life come in phases, so the bad times are not going to be permanent. But that the same time, I have seen good things end and I have been finding it very difficult to adjust to it. Nothing feels permanent anymore, and to an extent, it is true. Nothing really is permanent.
This is something that has been bugging me for a while now. If you know nothing is permanent, how do you still find sources of happiness in everyday living? How do you stop yourself from feeling negative?
I don’t have a direct answer to that. But to answer the question, I decided to take a look at my childhood self. When I was younger, I could just laugh at silly things. I was so full of curiosity. When we got internet connection at home for the first time, for limited number of hours in a day, I used to literally make a list of things I wanted to search. There was a hunger to learn new things. Today, I have internet access 24*7, but I rarely search things. I don’t download movies by the GB from Torrent anymore. Desensitized to everything, like I said.
I feel that in order to be happy again, I need to find that childhood version of myself and find out what her priorities were:
- Learn new things
- Read more books
- Watch more movies
- Learn a language
- Learn to play an instrument
- Learn about world history
- Learn about world politics
- Travel the world
- Meet new people
- Converse in English
- Improve vocabulary
- Improve pronunciation
- Build her own home
- Grow plants
- Achieve goals
- Grow hair long
- Be a boss
- Write everyday, be a published author
When you are a kid, there are set goals in life. After you get a job, the goals are not that clearly defined. When do you switch your job? How much money should be you saving every month? When do you start planning for your marriage? Will you ever find true love?
None of these questions have textbook answers. Everybody’s situation is different, everyone is trying to find the answers in their own ways.
Anyways, the goal for me, for the remaining part of 2018 is to reconnect with that childhood version of myself, be the person who I always wanted to be as I was growing up.
Which is why, I am going to write a post every day for the remainder of May, no matter how difficult my schedule is. This is one of my first steps towards getting back on track. A lot of this writing is probably going to be very personal. But maybe, some of that experience might help some of you in some part of your life – that’s the only reason behind putting this online. Glad to have you all as part of my recovery journey.