While I was growing up, when being a writer was not the primary need for me, I wanted to be a good person. That was a time when my mind was less conflicted, the definitions of right and wrong were clear. I judged easily, with no remorse.
One thing has remained constant through all these years – I have always wanted to be good, wanted to make things better. I tried to reason with people and make them see a different point of view. I am pretty convincing the way that I am, and I find people generally find it easy to accept my reasoning.
However, a flaw in myself that I have learned to see in myself over the years is: hatred and anger runs too deep in me. Don’t get me wrong, I give people enough chances. As deep my anger is, I am equally patient. The thing is people do not change easily, even if you give them chances and ignore the issues between. I only speak my mind bluntly when I see that no matter how much I ignore, things are not going to change for the better.
And once I reach that stage in any relationship, I sort of give up on it. I am never again ready to reconcile. I won’t speak to the person again. I am perfectly content not having to cross paths with that person.
As a writer, however, I try to be an observer than an active participant. I think being an observer is the driving force of any newly formed relationship for me. I see, I try to understand the person and take him for who s/he is. I become an active participant much later, defining my opinions for/against that person. Interestingly, because I speak up so less for a major part, people accept me as naive and set too many expectations. Of course, in the recent times, I have taken an active measure to put every other person’s expectations from me straight. I am currently following a zero-tolerance to nonsense policy.
But even that makes me sad sometimes, because when I am angry I am very blunt. When I have withdrawn in a relationship, I never give another chance. The back of my mind, the writer in me, the observer still continues to observe the person, and tries to find signals of change. That part of me tries to find the effect of the last conversation I had with the person, how that is changing the way the other person is acting around/with me. I keep trying to find signals of how s/he is changing for the better. Even then I am not ready to reconcile. In fact I know I will not reconcile because I do not trust people to change their nature completely. But I cannot ignore the small changes in behavior and I feel guilty because I am not giving the other person another chance.
I am very much interested in people, in observing people. I know why certain people are doing certain things, why they are conditioned to do certain things because of certain behaviors they have exhibited before. But I still struggle to be an active participant in relationships. That has harmed a lot of relationships for me. Over the years, I have realized that I will be truly close to only a handful of people. That bothers me at times. The emotional loneliness bothers me sometimes. Not yet at a point where there is a harmony between the observer and the participant. Any tips?
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Shilpa Niraj has been reading mysteries ever since she first discovered Nancy Drew. An ardent fan of mysteries, she can still go back and reread her favorite books of Agatha Christie and Erle Stanley Gardner. An avid reader and a blogger, she is now working on her third mystery.
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