Why relationships are so crucial?

As a kid, my parents dictated who I made friends with. They were not very enthusiastic about me going out with friends. I used to play in the neighborhood playground until a certain age. At any rate, girls my age were few in number and the boys were always playing cricket, so as I grew up I started to stay indoors. I believe that is what ruined my ability to form relationships.

At school, I was close to couple of people. We used to play, talk, laugh, have fun. Those were simple days. Then after tenth standard examinations, I went to a different, all-girls’ school. The next two years were a busy time, when everyone was preparing for entrance examinations to different colleges. Nobody had the time to sit around and chat. I also lost contact with my previous school friends. As a result, I became more and more isolated.

In college again, I made some friends, but by this time around, I had learnt not to depend on anyone. I was independent and could manage most things myself. This gave me a false sense of relationships not being important. I thought relationships were overrated. I did have a boyfriend for major part of college, but there was never any need in that relationship.

From what I have seen so far, relationships thrive on need. Two people could be independent, great when they are single, but there has to be something that they see in each other through which they bond and become dependent on each other. Unless there is a sense of need, the relationship becomes fragile and once you put some distance, it breaks.

Trust me, I do not like drama in a relationship. I am not someone who likes to call up every five minutes to check on anyone. I enjoy having meaningful conversations ranging from stars in the sky to incredible progress of science and technology that is enabling to write this post. However, in my quest of being independent, I never learnt how to feel need for a person.

Two years into work life, isolated from my family, out of any romantic relationship, I realize how lonely it is to not have anyone to discuss your day with. Maybe, everyday you do not need to talk about stars in the sky or marvels of technology. Maybe, some days are about bitching about work and being pissed off and being able to share that with someone. But for someone who never learnt how to depend, how do I trust anyone with the crumbles of my heart?

Until later.

❤

I am confused because…

While I was growing up, when being a writer was not the primary need for me, I wanted to be a good person. That was a time when my mind was less conflicted, the definitions of right and wrong were clear. I judged easily, with no remorse.

One thing has remained constant through all these years – I have always wanted to be good, wanted to make things better. I tried to reason with people and make them see a different point of view. I am pretty convincing the way that I am, and I find people generally find it easy to accept my reasoning.

However, a flaw in myself that I have learned to see in myself over the years is: hatred and anger runs too deep in me. Don’t get me wrong, I give people enough chances. As deep my anger is, I am equally patient. The thing is people do not change easily, even if you give them chances and ignore the issues between. I only speak my mind bluntly when I see that no matter how much I ignore, things are not going to change for the better.

And once I reach that stage in any relationship, I sort of give up on it. I am never again ready to reconcile. I won’t speak to the person again. I am perfectly content not having to cross paths with that person.

As a writer, however, I try to be an observer than an active participant. I think being an observer is the driving force of any newly formed relationship for me. I see, I try to understand the person and take him for who s/he is. I become an active participant much later, defining my opinions for/against that person. Interestingly, because I speak up so less for a major part, people accept me as naive and set too many expectations. Of course, in the recent times, I have taken an active measure to put every other person’s expectations from me straight. I am currently following a zero-tolerance to nonsense policy.

But even that makes me sad sometimes, because when I am angry I am very blunt. When I have withdrawn in a relationship, I never give another chance. The back of my mind, the writer in me, the observer still continues to observe the person, and tries to find signals of change. That part of me tries to find the effect of the last conversation I had with the person, how that is changing the way the other person is acting around/with me. I keep trying to find signals of how s/he is changing for the better. Even then I am not ready to reconcile. In fact I know I will not reconcile because I do not trust people to change their nature completely. But I cannot ignore the small changes in behavior and I feel guilty because I am not giving the other person another chance.

I am very much interested in people, in observing people. I know why certain people are doing certain things, why they are conditioned to do certain things because of certain behaviors they have exhibited before. But I still struggle to be an active participant in relationships. That has harmed a lot of relationships for me. Over the years, I have realized that I will be truly close to only a handful of people. That bothers me at times. The emotional loneliness bothers me sometimes. Not yet at a point where there is a harmony between the observer and the participant. Any tips?

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Visiting home

It is November 6th, a day since I stepped into Kolkata. Am on a week-long break from work.

I sailed amid the clouds (one of the most surreal experiences of my life) and came to a city awash with rains and choked with dirt yesterday. The plan was to visit a couple of relatives and friends in Kolkata before I leave for my hometown later today afternoon. The rain kinda marred that feeling of activity.

But I have planned a lunch out in Salt Lake, where I lived the four years of college life. Salt Lake will forever comprise a special place in my heart. So many days I have walked on those roads, sat in the parks, watched people, had ice creams and emtied packets of Lays hungrily!

I am staying with my brother right now. He’s doing his engineering from Jadavpur University. Last night, we had some good talks and planned for my next visit, which will probably mark my parents’ 25th marriage anniversary.

Even 5 years ago, I probably could not have imagined this life. I could not have imagined having a job, bringing gifts for my family and staying in my brother’s rented flat and planning upcoming visit. I am grateful for whatever I have achieved. There is a beauty in being with family and planning things.

Meanwhile, here are some photos from the plane. Enjoy!

 

This day last/this/next year

This day last year I boarded the train to Bangalore from Kolkata. Hours before we were to board the train, as we waited in the busy sidewalk of Dharmatala SBSTC bus stand, a fateful phone call informed us of my maternal grandfather’s demise. Minutes before that phone call, my brother and I were struggling to use our first free Ola ride.

That phone call changed things. My mother became fatherless. The first step towards my professional life was forever marked by a black day in the family. The instant thought that came to my mind was this: “What next?” Would we cancel going to Bangalore and head to my maternal uncle’s place? For a few selfish seconds, I wished we did not have to cancel going to Bangalore (even though I dreaded every moment of the forward journey), not thinking what it meant for my mother. The tickets to Bangalore were booked for me, my mother and father. My brother was to see us off to Howrah station and leave.

My mother solved our dilemma. Being the clear-thinking woman that she is, she prioritized her daughter’s future over her dead father. I think aside from giving birth to me, that was the greatest gift she ever gave to me.

October 4th, 2015 ushered in a lot of changes in my life. The next 33 odd hours in the train would put a lot of distance between my home and the life there to what lay ahead.

Days before that fateful train journey, as I prepared for life in Bangalore, I thought to myself, “How many days before life again becomes normal?” Even though I was about to move to a different state, different town, different culture, I knew in the end the novelty of the shift would rub off and life would be the everyday life again, as I would get used to the newness of it all. Bengal or Bangalore does not really matter as long as you go to sleep in a comfortable bed with a full stomach.

Lately, I have wanted to tear myself away from the mundane sameness of everyday life here in Bangalore. But today, I want to appreciate the things I have achieved since October 4th, 2015. I am grateful that I am healthy, that I had a good dinner, that I have a brand new day to look forward to. I am glad for the people around me, my parents, especially my mother, who keeps calling me at every opportunity she gets – which really goes a long way in removing homesickness. I am grateful for the good walk through ITPL to reach my office. I am grateful for the busy-ness that life at Mu Sigma has given me. Today, as I climbed down from the tenth to eighth floor in the morning, I could not but marvel looking at the sheer rapidity with which people were moving from one floor to another, swiping their IDs, getting to their work desk, ready to solve problems. I am grateful I am alive to see such movement. As long as their is motion, there is life.

Today, I  bought a pressure cooker off the money I had received courtesy the spot award in my previous project. Felt so good! This was the first kitchen purchase with my own money.

As I write this, I cannot but wonder, what will 4th October, 2017 show me? Will I be sitting in the same room as I am now, typing another blog post? Will I still have the people I love around me? Will I have been able to buy something really nice for my mother, my first true gift to her since I started working? As I dream of the things that I want to achieve, I can hear my mother saying not to let my dreams run loose – for they may never come true if I put them in words. As per her, there is probably someone who is listening on our dreams, ready to stop whatever we dream from happening the moment we dream it through. Having fed such thoughts since childhood, my heart hesitates.

Yet the mind wanders…

 

Why Candour is a necessary tool to eliminate gossip?

For the last few days, I have been staying at the office-provided accommodation. I am living with people all across the country. At the office, there are even wider variations. with people from different countries working at the same place. The good thing about living with people you haven’t known all your life is that you learn to see yourself in a new light. In these few days I have discovered so many different sides to me. Amid all this, the one skill which I think is most essential, especially at the initial stages of building relationships, is candour.

A closed environment breeds suspicions and anger. Every person is different. When you meet a grown up person for the first time, you don’t know where s/he has come from and what s/he has gone through to be where s/he is. And since there is so much difference between backgrounds, there are bound to be differences in thoughts and actions. If the differences are not talked about openly and clarified, they’ll end up being blown out of proportions and becoming difficult problems.

We often say girls gossip. This is probably because most of the time they do not feel comfortable voicing their true feelings up front. In some ways, I feel girls are more sensitive to non-verbal cues (like the minor expressions on the person’s face to whom they are talking). For example, if I see someone is not paying attention to what I am saying from his/her eye contact, I’ll probably end up being a mute-box for the entire time afterwards. Boys are more inclined to voice their opinions loudly. Sadly, girls have always been taught to be subdued. If a boy is assertive, he’s just being a boy, but if a girl is the same, she is called bossy. This feeling is so deeply ingrained in our mindset that girls grow up internalizing their true feelings for fear of giving offence. And wherein comes fear comes talking behind back.

For those who are naturally nervous, it is important that they come out of it slowly with conscious effort. If your roommate’s ringtone is bothering you, try to convey that to her instead of naturally assuming that she won’t turn the volume down even if you asked her to. Maybe she doesn’t even have a clue that it is bothering you. The world of assumptions is dark and slippery, so let the words throw some light.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.

-Nora Roberts

Those who are more assertive should offer to be more empathetic to those who are nervous in order to eliminate petty gossips. The assertive ones should try and create an environment of friendly interaction in which the less assertive ones feel free to speak their minds. Communication is key in the 21st century (more so in a corporate work culture) and empathy is the key to effective communication.

Why do you think people gossip? Can gossip truly be eliminated? Let me know in the comments below.